BU SABAH, \u00fc\u015f\u00fcd\u00fcm. G\u00f6mle\u011fimi delip tenime h\u0131nz\u0131rca dokundu so\u011fuk. O sabah da \u00fc\u015f\u00fcm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcm, aniden yata\u011f\u0131mdan f\u0131rlay\u0131p salona ko\u015ftu\u011fumda. Sonra b\u00fct\u00fcn \u00e7arelerim haf\u0131zamda erimi\u015f bir bi\u00e7imde, gidip tekrar g\u00f6mm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcm ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 yast\u0131\u011fa. Hayal k\u0131r\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131, \u00e7aresizli\u011fi, ac\u0131ya bulanmam\u0131\u015f o taze \u00e7ocuklu\u011fun i\u00e7ine l\u00f6k diye oturan hakikatin derinli\u011fini, geceden kalma eksik kalm\u0131\u015fl\u0131\u011f\u0131n buruklu\u011funu o yast\u0131\u011fa kustum. A\u011flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m\u2026<\/p>\n
Neydi saklamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131z, \u00fcst\u00fcn\u00fc \u00f6rtmek istedi\u011finiz? Her \u015fey tam da burnumun dibindeydi i\u015fte. Hi\u00e7bir ifadesi olmayan donuk suratlar \u2013bir ifade vard\u0131 hay\u0131r; bir de sana bu vaziyeti a\u00e7\u0131klayaca\u011f\u0131z de\u011fil mi k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck k\u0131z diyen g\u00f6z kapaklar\u0131 a\u011f\u0131rla\u015fm\u0131\u015f bak\u0131\u015flar-hissetmeyin \u00f6yle\u2026 Hem ben anl\u0131yorum dimdik ayakta duran o ger\u00e7e\u011fin surat\u0131ma nas\u0131l bakt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131. O umars\u0131z karma\u015fan\u0131n i\u00e7inde \u00f6zenle cam kenar\u0131na yerle\u015ftirilen yatak yok olmu\u015f bir kere. Bir \u015fey gitmi\u015f, \u2018biri\u2019 gitmi\u015f.<\/p>\n
Arkamdan sinsice bir oyun \u00e7evrilmi\u015f gibi, hakk\u0131mdaki en \u00f6nemli ger\u00e7ek benden saklanm\u0131\u015f gibi, d\u00fcnyadaki en b\u00fcy\u00fck haks\u0131zl\u0131\u011fa u\u011fram\u0131\u015f\u0131m gibi; \u00e7aresizli\u011fimin elinden tutarak yata\u011f\u0131ma d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f\u00fcm\u2026 M\u0131h gibi akl\u0131mda.<\/p>\n
Il\u0131kt\u0131 yata\u011f\u0131m. Uzand\u0131m. Etrafta sevimsiz ve anlams\u0131z nesneler vard\u0131. Hepsi bo\u015ftu. Birden bir ses duydum, hissettim ve erteleyemedim g\u00f6zya\u015flar\u0131m\u0131\u2026Bir hoparl\u00f6r sesi; kalplere bir haber d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcrecekti.<\/p>\n
Sal\u00e2\u2026 \u0130lk kez sadece bana okunuyordu. \u0130\u00e7ime, y\u00fcre\u011fimin en derinlerine. Bir sal\u00e2 ilk kez gelmi\u015f ge\u00e7mi\u015f en b\u00fcy\u00fck hakikati, \u2018son\u2019u de\u011fil bir ba\u015flang\u0131c\u0131, a\u011f\u0131r a\u011f\u0131r, ince ince okudu, \u00fcfledi i\u00e7ime. Ayaklar\u0131m\u0131 iyice yaslad\u0131m karn\u0131ma ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 e\u011fdim, ufac\u0131k oldum, kendimden sakland\u0131m\u2026 \u2018sonra\u2019lar geldi sonra. Bir musalla ta\u015f\u0131, insana nefesi gibi hem bu kadar yak\u0131n, hem de \u00e7ekindi\u011fin korktu\u011fun biri ordaym\u0131\u015f gibi bu kadar uzak nas\u0131l gelebilir. B\u00fct\u00fcn tan\u0131mlar \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015ft\u0131 akl\u0131mdan. Neydi bu kalabal\u0131k? \u0130nsanlar neye kime a\u011fl\u0131yordu? O kad\u0131n neden y\u00fczy\u0131l\u0131n s\u0131rr\u0131 ondaym\u0131\u015f gibi bak\u0131yor? \u015eu adam, erkekler a\u011flamaz diye mi g\u00f6zya\u015flar\u0131n\u0131 kirpiklerinde tutuyor? Ya \u015fu \u00e7ocuk? Neden ne arad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bilmiyormu\u015f gibi etraf\u0131na bak\u0131n\u0131yor? B\u00fct\u00fcn cevaplar kanatlan\u0131p u\u00e7mu\u015ftu zihnimden, kalbimden\u2026 A\u011flama n\u00f6beti yokluyordu titreyen bedenimi s\u0131kl\u0131kla, o kadar\u2026<\/p>\n
Sonra bir arabaya bindirildim. Arka koltukta ortada oturuyordum. \u0130yice yerle\u015fmi\u015fti yan\u0131mdakiler bana do\u011fru. Bir hayk\u0131rsam sanki hemen ac\u0131lar\u0131m\u0131n duvar\u0131n\u0131 y\u0131kacaklarm\u0131\u015f gibi. A\u011flama yavrum diye ba\u015flayan c\u00fcmleleri ba\u015f\u0131mdan a\u015fa\u011f\u0131 d\u00f6keceklermi\u015f, bay\u0131lsam an\u0131nda m\u00fcdahale edeceklermi\u015f gibi yap\u0131\u015fm\u0131\u015flard\u0131 iyice. Benim yoldayd\u0131 g\u00f6zlerim. G\u00f6zlerim de yoldayd\u0131, hat\u0131ralar\u0131m da\u2026 \u0130ste \u015furas\u0131! Elinden s\u0131k\u0131ca tutup g\u00fcne\u015fin bat\u0131\u015f\u0131n\u0131 seyretmeye do\u011fru y\u00fcr\u00fcrken durup birbirimize bakt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z yer. \u00dcst\u00fcnde \u00e7ok sevdi\u011fi fermuarl\u0131 kaza\u011f\u0131, benimse \u00fcst\u00fcmde \u00e7ok sevdi\u011fim o tatl\u0131 sert bak\u0131\u015f\u0131.<\/p>\n
Kap\u0131s\u0131ndan girerken hi\u00e7bir duygu belirtisi ya\u015famad\u0131\u011f\u0131m o b\u00fcy\u00fck\u00e7e alana sonunda gelmi\u015ftik. Can s\u0131k\u0131c\u0131, rahats\u0131z edici bir sessizlik vard\u0131 burada. Ya\u011fmur yoktu ama hava bulutluydu. H\u00fcz\u00fcnl\u00fc bir beyazl\u0131k \u00e7\u00f6km\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc herkesin \u00fcst\u00fcne. Soluktu y\u00fczler. Sanki hepsi ne\u015felerini, sevin\u00e7lerini evde b\u0131rak\u0131p kap\u0131y\u0131 \u00fczerlerine kilitlemi\u015fti. Sadece bir ki\u015fi tebess\u00fcm ediyordu. Sadece \u2018biri\u2019.<\/p>\n
\u0130ni\u015fli \u00e7\u0131k\u0131\u015fl\u0131yd\u0131 buran\u0131n yollar\u0131. Biz bir yoku\u015fun ba\u015f\u0131nda durduk. Sola do\u011fru giden yolu takip ettik. Biz kimdik? Bilmiyorum\u2026 Tek bildi\u011fim, acele acele uzakla\u015fan kalabal\u0131\u011f\u0131n arkas\u0131ndan giderken bana kalan \u2018yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u2019 oldu\u011fum yere \u00e7\u00f6kme hissini i\u00e7imdeki bo\u015flu\u011fa ac\u0131mas\u0131zca d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcrmesiydi.<\/p>\n
Siyah giysili adamlar vard\u0131 hep. Bir de g\u00f6z\u00fcme belli belirsiz ili\u015fen, g\u00f6zya\u015flar\u0131n\u0131-sanki bir ay\u0131b\u0131 \u00f6rter gibi-eliyle a\u011fz\u0131n\u0131 kapatarak gizlemeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015fan kad\u0131nlar. Hayat dolu bir filmin en hazin sahnesiydi sanki. Belli aral\u0131klarla ya\u015fam\u0131n son \u00e7ukuruna b\u00fcy\u00fck bir vakarla at\u0131lan topraklar\u2026<\/p>\n
Ama \u00f6ncesi vard\u0131. \u00d6ncesi\u2026<\/p>\n
Duydu\u011fum en sessiz u\u011fultuydu bu. Etraf\u0131mda kim vard\u0131, bilmiyorum. Neden sonra \u00e7ok \u00f6nemli bir \u015feyi hat\u0131rlam\u0131\u015f gibi y\u00fcz\u00fcme bakt\u0131 o siyah adamlar. Biri h\u0131zl\u0131ca \u00e7ukurun ba\u015f\u0131na getirdi beni.<\/p>\n
Allah\u2019\u0131m!<\/p>\n
B\u00fct\u00fcn o siyah adamlar\u0131n ortas\u0131ndan bembeyaz bir \u0131\u015f\u0131kt\u0131 y\u00fcz\u00fcme vuran. Bir \u2019y\u00fcz\u2019 bu kadar nurani bu kadar tasas\u0131z nas\u0131l olabilirdi? Zihnimin, kalbimin, bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131m\u0131n orta yerine d\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc o tebess\u00fcm. Ben hi\u00e7 b\u00f6yle temiz, b\u00f6yle berrak b\u00f6yle ar\u0131nm\u0131\u015f bir g\u00fcl\u00fcmseme g\u00f6rmemi\u015ftim o g\u00fcne kadar. Sadece \u00fc\u00e7 saniye s\u00fcrm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc. \u00dc\u00e7 saniyeye ne \u00e7ok \u015fey s\u0131\u011fm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Sonra alakas\u0131z bir adam\u0131n kollar\u0131nda en derin en sesli a\u011flay\u0131\u015f\u0131mla ba\u015f ba\u015fa bulmu\u015ftum kendimi.<\/p>\n
Son g\u00f6rev. Sevmemi\u015ftim bu tabiri. So\u011fuktu. So\u011fuk ve ac\u0131mas\u0131z. \u0130\u015fte \u015fimdi herkes bu g\u00f6revin bilinciyle son-suzlu\u011fu k\u00fcrekliyordu\u2026<\/p>\n
Elim kolum baca\u011f\u0131m\u2026 Oca\u011f\u0131m. Hepsini yitirmi\u015ftim. B\u00fct\u00fcn duygular\u0131m bo\u015flukta sallan\u0131rken son bir kez bakt\u0131m arkama. Gittik\u00e7e yap\u0131\u015fm\u0131\u015ft\u0131 yakama yaln\u0131zl\u0131k.. Ya\u011fmur yoktu ama hava bulutluydu. \u00dc\u015f\u00fcd\u00fcm.<\/p>\n
\u0130nce giymi\u015ftim \u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fc.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
BU SABAH, \u00fc\u015f\u00fcd\u00fcm. G\u00f6mle\u011fimi delip tenime h\u0131nz\u0131rca dokundu so\u011fuk. O sabah da \u00fc\u015f\u00fcm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcm, aniden yata\u011f\u0131mdan f\u0131rlay\u0131p salona ko\u015ftu\u011fumda. Sonra b\u00fct\u00fcn \u00e7arelerim haf\u0131zamda erimi\u015f bir bi\u00e7imde, gidip tekrar g\u00f6mm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcm ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 yast\u0131\u011fa. Hayal k\u0131r\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131, \u00e7aresizli\u011fi, ac\u0131ya bulanmam\u0131\u015f o taze \u00e7ocuklu\u011fun i\u00e7ine l\u00f6k diye oturan hakikatin derinli\u011fini, geceden kalma eksik kalm\u0131\u015fl\u0131\u011f\u0131n buruklu\u011funu o yast\u0131\u011fa kustum. A\u011flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m\u2026 Neydi saklamaya […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":100,"featured_media":90721,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[],"ppma_author":[328],"class_list":["post-90719","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-yazarlar"],"yoast_head":"\n