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B\u0130R FERYATLA, bir a\u011flay\u0131\u015fla d\u00fcnyaya geldi\u011fimizi anlat\u0131r\u0131z. Asl\u0131nda bu a\u011flay\u0131\u015f, dokuz ayd\u0131r ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z d\u00fcnyam\u0131zdan ayr\u0131l\u0131\u015f\u0131n verdi\u011fi korkunun dile geli\u015fidir. Sanki hayat\u0131m\u0131za son veriliyormu\u015f endi\u015fesinin ya\u015fan\u0131\u015f\u0131d\u0131r. Ama hemencecik, annemizin \u015fefkatli kollar\u0131 bizi kucaklar. \u0130\u015fte o an korkumuzun yersizli\u011fini anlar\u0131z. \u00c7ok daha g\u00fczel bir hayata ba\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 hissederiz. A\u011flama, yerini huzurlu bir sessizli\u011fe b\u0131rak\u0131r. Bu sessizlikle beraber, sevmeye ba\u015flar\u0131z d\u00fcnyay\u0131. D\u00fcnyay\u0131 tan\u0131d\u0131k\u00e7a, o karanl\u0131k yerdeki eski hayat\u0131m\u0131z g\u00fcn g\u00fcn daha bir sevimsizle\u015fir g\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fczde. Her bir g\u00fcnle, yeni d\u00fcnyam\u0131z\u0131n bir ba\u015fka g\u00fczelli\u011fini ke\u015ffederiz. Yeni hayat\u0131m\u0131z, her g\u00fcn, hatt\u00e2 her saat, her dakika, her an bir ba\u015fka g\u00fczellik tablosu ile g\u00f6zbebe\u011fimize gelir. <\/p>\n
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Her bir mevcutla tan\u0131\u015ft\u0131k\u00e7a, \u00f6nceleri g\u00fcl\u00fcmseriz. Kahkahalar da atar\u0131z kimi zaman. Severiz her\u015feyi. Bizim i\u00e7in her bir \u015fey g\u00fczeldir; \u00e7irkin yoktur. Hepsini sever, hepsiyle ilgilenir, hepsiyle mutlu oluruz \u00f3ama d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmeden, ama bilmeden, ama \u015fuursuzca. Severiz. \u00c7evremizle hen\u00fcz akl\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 kullanarak ili\u015fki kuramad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z o saf halimizle, b\u00f6yle dolays\u0131z anlat\u0131r\u0131z g\u00fczele olan sevgimizi. G\u00fczelli\u011fe olan tutkunlu\u011fumuz b\u00f6yle dile gelir. <\/p>\n
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Oysa bu d\u00fcnyadaki hayat\u0131m\u0131z eskidik\u00e7e, ya\u015f\u0131m\u0131z giderek b\u00fcy\u00fcd\u00fck\u00e7e yani, g\u00fczelli\u011fe bak\u0131\u015f\u0131m\u0131z farkl\u0131la\u015f\u0131r. Etraf\u0131m\u0131zda olup bitenleri, ve onlar\u0131n g\u00fczelliklerini \u00e7o\u011fu zaman g\u00f6rmeyiz bile. Bir zamanlar her bir mevcudun bizim i\u00e7in ne kadar g\u00fczel, ne kadar sevimli oldu\u011funu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmeyiz, hatt\u00e2 hat\u0131rlamay\u0131z art\u0131k. <\/p>\n
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Ama, ya\u015f\u0131m ne kadar b\u00fcy\u00fcrse b\u00fcy\u00fcs\u00fcn, yine severim g\u00fczeli. Yine ona tutkunumdur. Ama onu hep kendimde arar\u0131m. Sanki yaln\u0131zm\u0131\u015f\u0131m gibi, sanki “ben”den ba\u015fkas\u0131 yokmu\u015f gibi, g\u00fczelli\u011fe kendimden ba\u015flar, yine kendimde bitiririm. G\u00fcn\u00fcm bu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnceyle ba\u015flar, g\u00fcn boyu \u00f6yle ya\u015far\u0131m. Gece, r\u00fcyalar\u0131m \u00f6yle ba\u015flar, uykumda bile rahat olamadan, g\u00fcne \u00f6yle d\u00f6nerim. <\/p>\n
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Her Allah\u2019\u0131n g\u00fcn\u00fc, o g\u00fcn yolda rastlad\u0131\u011f\u0131m, hayran oldu\u011fum ya da resmiyle b\u00fcy\u00fclendi\u011fim, d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncelerimi dolduran “o birisi” kadar g\u00fczel olmak iste\u011fi i\u00e7imi kaplar. B\u00fct\u00fcn saatlerim, o \u00e7ok be\u011fendi\u011fim “birisi”ne benzeme h\u00fclyas\u0131yla harcan\u0131r, gider. Onun gibi konu\u015fmak, onun gibi giyinmek, onun gibi davranmak, hatt\u00e2 onun gibi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnebilmek i\u00e7in, k\u0131sacas\u0131 “onun gibi olmak” i\u00e7in \u00e7abalar, dururum. Onun gibi olmak i\u00e7in, sevdi\u011fi renkmi\u015f, \u00f6zel zevkleriymi\u015f, bir g\u00fcn\u00fcn\u00fc nas\u0131l ya\u015f\u0131yormu\u015f, moda anlay\u0131\u015f\u0131ym\u0131\u015f\u00d6 \u00f6\u011frenmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131r\u0131m. <\/p>\n
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Ama ne kadar \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131rsam \u00e7al\u0131\u015fay\u0131m, b\u00fct\u00fcn bunlar, sonu\u00e7ta birer vehim, birer kuruntu olmaktan \u00f6teye ge\u00e7mez. Belki k\u0131sa bir s\u00fcre “onun gibi” olabilirim; ama k\u0131sa bir s\u00fcre yaln\u0131zca. Uzunca bir zaman de\u011fil. Ne de olsa, o bir ba\u015fkas\u0131d\u0131r; ben de ondan ba\u015fka biri. Ben benim, o da o. Ben her\u015feyimle, zevklerim, d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncelerim, ya\u015fay\u0131\u015f tarz\u0131m, fizik\u00ee yap\u0131m ile ondan ayr\u0131 bir “ben”im; o da kendisininkiler ile o. Onun zaten ben olma derdi yoktur; ben de, ne kadar dert edinirsem edineyim, o olamam. <\/p>\n
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Sonu\u00e7ta, o “birisi”ni taklidi b\u0131rak\u0131r\u0131m, B\u0131rak\u0131r\u0131m da, taklidin neden saman alevi gibi bu kadar k\u0131sa s\u00fcrd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc hi\u00e7 farketmem, hi\u00e7 mi hi\u00e7 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmem. Bu defa, bir ba\u015fka g\u00fczel bulurum kendime. Sonra da o olmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131r\u0131m. Yol yine \u00e7\u0131kmazd\u0131r elbette.<\/p>\n
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Ve hayat\u0131m, hep o “birileri”nin pe\u015fi s\u0131ra ya\u015fan\u0131r gider\u00d6<\/p>\n
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Bazan giyimi, davran\u0131\u015flar\u0131, d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnceleri, fizi\u011fi farkl\u0131 farkl\u0131 birilerinin be\u011fendi\u011fim taraflar\u0131n\u0131 kendimde birle\u015ftirmeye u\u011fra\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131m da olur. \u015eunun elbisesi, \u015funun sa\u00e7\u0131, \u015funun g\u00fcl\u00fcc\u00fc\u011f\u00fc diye diye, \u00e7ok daha zor bir yol se\u00e7mi\u015fimdir kendime. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc se\u00e7ti\u011fim her bir \u00f6zellik, ger\u00e7ek sahibinin di\u011fer t\u00fcm \u00f6zellikleriyle ayr\u0131lmaz bir b\u00fct\u00fcnd\u00fcr; o b\u00fct\u00fcn\u00fcn bir par\u00e7as\u0131d\u0131r. Konu\u015fmas\u0131n\u0131 be\u011fendi\u011fim insan\u0131n giyim zevki, giyimine hayran oldu\u011fum bir di\u011feriyle \u00e7o\u011fu zaman uyu\u015fmaz. Hemen her bir \u00f6zellik, di\u011feriyle z\u0131tla\u015f\u0131r. Her biri ayr\u0131 ki\u015filiklerin par\u00e7as\u0131d\u0131r \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc. Ben ise, bunlar\u0131n t\u00fcm\u00fcnden ayr\u0131y\u0131md\u0131r; ne o, ne bu, ne \u015fu, ne bir di\u011feri. Bunu farketmezsem, bir “yamal\u0131 boh\u00e7a”y\u0131 and\u0131r\u0131r halim. D\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcn, \u00fcstelik be\u011fendi\u011fim \u00f6zellikler ve dolay\u0131s\u0131yla insanlar, zamanla de\u011fi\u015fecek. Nas\u0131l da da\u011f\u0131lm\u0131\u015f olaca\u011f\u0131m\u0131 hemen anlars\u0131n\u0131z. Ben olmaktan \u00e7\u0131kar\u0131m; \u00fcstelik hi\u00e7bir \u015fey de olamam. <\/p>\n
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B\u00fct\u00fcn bunlar, i\u015fin bir y\u00f6n\u00fc. E\u011fer kendimi \u00e7irkin g\u00f6r\u00fcyorsam, ya da “en g\u00fczel” g\u00f6rm\u00fcyorsam, b\u00f6yle ya\u015far\u0131m hayat\u0131m\u0131, ama bir de di\u011fer y\u00fcz\u00fc var madalyonun. Kendimi d\u00fcnyalar g\u00fczeli g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm y\u00fcz\u00fc de var. <\/p>\n
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E\u011fer kendimi g\u00fczel buluyor, kendimi be\u011feniyorsam, bu defa, b\u00fct\u00fcn duygular\u0131m\u0131, hayran oldu\u011fum “ben” kaplar. Ki bu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnceye ula\u015fmamda, eksik olmas\u0131nlar, \u00e7evremin, \u00e7evremdeki insanlar\u0131n, daha \u00e7ocuklu\u011fumdan ba\u015flayarak yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131 telkinlerin rol\u00fc de az de\u011fildir. Hep kendimi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcr\u00fcm bu defa. G\u00fcn\u00fcmde ve gecemde, “G\u00fczelli\u011fimi nas\u0131l devam ettirece\u011fim? Nas\u0131l herkesten farkl\u0131 ve daha g\u00fczel olaca\u011f\u0131m?” sorular\u0131yla bo\u011fu\u015furum. Her sabah aynan\u0131n kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131na ge\u00e7er; “Bug\u00fcn nas\u0131l olmal\u0131s\u0131n?” diye sorar\u0131m “aynadaki g\u00fczel”e. Kendime yani. Ama, ah o mel\u2019un endi\u015feler yok mu? Ya oraya daha g\u00fczel biri gelirse? Ya bir ba\u015fkas\u0131n\u0131n elbisesi daha g\u00fczel olursa? Ya daha iyi konu\u015fan, daha k\u00fclt\u00fcrl\u00fc insanlar\u0131n ortas\u0131nda kalakal\u0131rsam? <\/p>\n
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Bu defa, b\u00f6ylesi k\u00e2buslarla dolar gen\u00e7li\u011fim. Herkesin \u00e7ok be\u011fendi\u011fi, hayran oldu\u011fu, pe\u015finden ko\u015ftu\u011fu g\u00fczelli\u011fimin gerisinde, yaln\u0131z d\u00fcnyamda i\u015fkenceyi ya\u015far\u0131m. Sahi, insanlara kendime dair “Ayy, ne kadar g\u00fczel!” dedirtinceye kadar, kendime bu g\u00f6zle bakt\u0131r\u0131ncaya kadar ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m korkular\u0131, k\u00e2buslar\u0131, bo\u011fu\u015fmalar\u0131 hanginiz bilebilir?<\/p>\n
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Sokakta, okulda, bir arkada\u015f grubunda, imrenilesi bir halim vard\u0131r g\u00fcya. Herkes i\u00e7 ge\u00e7irir kendi d\u00fcnyas\u0131nda. Ama kimse bilmez, birilerinin taklide bile yeltendi\u011fi hayat\u0131m\u0131n nas\u0131l bir cehennem oldu\u011funu. \u00d6yle bir yol ki yolum, sanki iki ucu keskin bir b\u0131\u00e7ak\u00d6 \u0130ki ucunda da cehennem var \u00f3\u015fu anda da ya\u015fanan. Kendimi \u00e7irkin bularak nefret edip, kendimce be\u011fendi\u011fim g\u00fczellerin g\u00fczelli\u011fini taklide kalk\u0131p, g\u00fczel olmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131rken de, kendimi “zaten g\u00fczel” g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcmde de ayn\u0131 cehennemi ya\u015far\u0131m. <\/p>\n
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Hem, her iki halde de, en korktu\u011fum \u015fey, gen\u00e7li\u011fin gidi\u015fiyle o g\u00fczellikleri kaybetmek de\u011fil midir? \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc g\u00fczellik denen \u015fey, akl\u0131mca, ancak gen\u00e7likle birliktedir; onunla birlikte vard\u0131r. Gen\u00e7ler g\u00fczelse, ihtiyarlar \u00e7irkindir akl\u0131mca.<\/p>\n
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Ve gen\u00e7lik gider, G\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fcn ya\u015f\u0131na bakmadan gider. Gen\u00e7li\u011fin gidi\u015fiyle, “g\u00fczellik” de kaybolur. Tenim b\u00fcz\u00fcl\u00fcr, y\u00fcz\u00fcm buru\u015fur, sa\u00e7\u0131m a\u011far\u0131r, di\u015fim d\u00f6k\u00fcl\u00fcr, g\u00f6z\u00fcm fersizle\u015fir, belim b\u00fck\u00fcl\u00fcr. Ve yerimi ba\u015fka gen\u00e7lere, ba\u015fka g\u00fczellere b\u0131rak\u0131r\u0131m. Ama bu kayb\u0131 yediremem kendime. Zira zirvedeki o s\u0131r\u00e7a saraydan yuvarlan\u0131\u015f \u00f6yle a\u011f\u0131r, \u00f6yle zordur ki\u00d6 Katlan\u0131l\u0131r gibi de\u011fildir. Ama yuvarlan\u0131r\u0131m i\u015fte. G\u00fcmb\u00fcr g\u00fcmb\u00fcr giderim de, yapabilece\u011fim hi\u00e7bir \u015fey olmaz. Bir\u015fey gelmez elimden. Bu ger\u00e7e\u011fi g\u00f6re g\u00f6re, daha gen\u00e7ken bu kayb\u0131n bir g\u00fcn mutlaka olaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmek, \u00f6l\u00fcmden bile korkun\u00e7 de\u011fil mi? <\/p>\n
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\u0130\u015fte cehennem alevlerine kocaman bir odun y\u00fck\u00fc daha: “gen\u00e7li\u011fin bitmesi” d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncesi! Artan, \u00e7ekilmez s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131lar. Ve sonunda, gen\u00e7li\u011fe daha s\u0131k\u0131 sar\u0131l\u0131\u015f\u00d6 <\/p>\n
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Bu sar\u0131l\u0131\u015fla, hi\u00e7bir ya\u015fta kendimden koparmak istemem gen\u00e7li\u011fimi. Her zaman gen\u00e7mi\u015fim gibi davranmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131r\u0131m; ya\u015fl\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131 kendime yak\u0131\u015ft\u0131ramam. Her ya\u015fta ayn\u0131 g\u00fczelli\u011fi ya\u015f\u0131yormu\u015f\u00e7as\u0131na, ayn\u0131 giyimi, ayn\u0131 konu\u015fmay\u0131, ayn\u0131 tav\u0131rlar\u0131 devam ettirmeye u\u011fra\u015f\u0131r\u0131m. Ya\u015fland\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 bilirim bilmesine de, farkettirmemeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131r\u0131m. Birileri de yard\u0131m eder bana. “Her ya\u015f\u0131n gencine” falan, fe\u015fmek\u00e2n diye, cebimden nice milyonlar\u0131 alarak, kendimi gen\u00e7 g\u00f6rmeme yard\u0131m ederler. Ve sonunda, gen\u00e7ken alay etti\u011fim, dudak b\u00fckt\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm o r\u00fck\u00fc\u015f ya\u015fl\u0131lardan biri olur \u00e7\u0131kar\u0131m. B\u00fct\u00fcn gen\u00e7lere d\u00fc\u015fman kesilirim \u00fcstelik. Her birini taklide \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131rken, hi\u00e7biri olamam \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc.<\/p>\n
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Ve bir g\u00fcn, “H\u00e2l\u00e2 gencim” diye s\u00f6ylendi\u011fim bir g\u00fcn, \u00f6l\u00fcmle noktalan\u0131r d\u00fcnya hayat\u0131m. “Gen\u00e7li\u011fim daha bitmedi” derken, bir bakar\u0131m, \u00f6lm\u00fc\u015f\u00fcm\u00d6 <\/p>\n
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\u015e\u00f6yle bir ge\u00e7iverse hayat\u0131m g\u00f6zlerimin \u00f6n\u00fcnden, “Ohh! Hayat dedi\u011fin i\u015fte b\u00f6yle olur” diyebilir miyim? “Mutlu oldum, \u00e7ok g\u00fczel ge\u00e7ti hayat\u0131m” diyebilir miyim? <\/p>\n
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Belki de sevinmem gerekir, b\u00f6ylesi bir cehennemi \u015fimdiden g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcme. G\u00f6r\u00fcp de kurtuldu\u011fuma, kurtulman\u0131n yolunu arad\u0131\u011f\u0131ma.<\/p>\n
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Ve arayan bulurmu\u015f. Ben de bulurum demek ki. \u0130yi de, acaba nas\u0131l bulurum? Nas\u0131l bulurum kurtulman\u0131n yolunu? <\/p>\n
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Ne dersiniz? Hayat\u0131m\u0131n film \u015feridini bir daha ba\u015ftan m\u0131 alsam \u00f6ncelikle \u00f3ta bebekli\u011fimden ba\u015flayarak.<\/p>\n
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Sahi, o zaman ne g\u00fczel g\u00f6r\u00fcnme endi\u015fem vard\u0131, ne “\u00e7irkinim” kuruntusu, ne “en g\u00fczel”lik b\u00f6b\u00fcrlenmesi. “Sen g\u00fczelsin, sen \u00e7irkin” de dememi\u015ftim insanlara. Di\u011fer mevcutlara da dememi\u015ftim ayn\u0131 \u015feyi. Ku\u015flar\u0131 severdim, civcivleri \u00e7ok severdim, ama fareyi de severdim o zamanlar. Her\u015fey g\u00fczeldi benim i\u00e7in. <\/p>\n
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Ama sonradan \u00f6\u011frendim fareyi \u00e7irkin g\u00f6rmeyi. Sonradan \u00f6\u011frendim, hindileri k\u0131zd\u0131r\u0131p kabartmak i\u00e7in “Kabaramazs\u0131n kel hindi\/Annen g\u00fczel, sen \u00e7irkin” demeyi; \u00f6ylesi g\u00fczel-\u00e7irkin k\u0131yaslamas\u0131n\u0131 her\u015feye ve her insana ta\u015f\u0131may\u0131. \u0130\u015fte o zaman o yekpare g\u00fczel, o g\u00fczelim d\u00fcnya b\u00f6l\u00fcn\u00fcverdi, da\u011f\u0131l\u0131verdi; g\u00fczel-\u00e7irkin diye ayr\u0131l\u0131verdi. Yar\u0131s\u0131na k\u00f6rd\u00fcm art\u0131k d\u00fcnyan\u0131n. Yar\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 sevmiyordum art\u0131k insanlar\u0131n.<\/p>\n
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Ve gen\u00e7li\u011fimle, bir “ben” geliverdi d\u00fcnyama. “Ben bir yana, d\u00fcnya bir yana” der oldum birden. “Ben g\u00fczelim” diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcr hale gelip, “Ben herkesten g\u00fczelim”e eri\u015fmenin sanc\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 ya\u015fad\u0131m. “Ben pek g\u00fczel de\u011filim asl\u0131nda. Biraz \u00e7irkin say\u0131l\u0131r\u0131m asl\u0131nda” diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcp, yine “Ben herkesten g\u00fczelim”e eri\u015fmenin sanc\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 ya\u015fad\u0131m. <\/p>\n
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Fakat g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm ya\u015fl\u0131lar hep “Sen herkesten g\u00fczel de\u011filsin” dediler bana halleriyle. “Biz de \u00f6yle d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcrd\u00fck kendimiz i\u00e7in, ama\u00d6” <\/p>\n
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Ama ya\u015fl\u0131lar \u00e7irkin de\u011fildi ki! Kendisini ya\u015fl\u0131 g\u00f6rmeyip gence benzemeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015fan ya\u015fl\u0131lar\u0131n hi\u00e7biri “gen\u00e7 g\u00fczeli” de\u011fildi \u015f\u00fcphesiz; ama ak \u00f6rt\u00fcs\u00fcn\u00fc omuzlar\u0131ndan a\u015fa\u011f\u0131 sal\u0131p, ya\u015fl\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131n hakk\u0131n\u0131 vere vere tane tane konu\u015fan, buru\u015fuk ama nuran\u00ee y\u00fczl\u00fc, sevimli mi sevimli nineci\u011fim \u00f6yle g\u00fczeldi ki! Y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fcn ayd\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 seyre doyamazd\u0131m.<\/p>\n
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Velhas\u0131l, \u00e7ocuk da g\u00fczel, gen\u00e7 de, ya\u015fl\u0131 da. \u00c7ocuklar da, gen\u00e7ler de, ya\u015fl\u0131lar da.<\/p>\n
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Ama \u00e7ocuk \u00e7ocuk olarak g\u00fczel; gen\u00e7 gen\u00e7 olarak, ya\u015fl\u0131 ya\u015fl\u0131 olarak.<\/p>\n
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Ve herkes g\u00fczel; ben ben olarak, o o olarak, bir ba\u015fkas\u0131 bir ba\u015fkas\u0131 olarak.<\/p>\n
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Ve hepimiz, bir g\u00fczelim d\u00fcnyada ya\u015f\u0131yoruz. \u00c7i\u00e7e\u011fi, yapra\u011f\u0131, ya\u011fmuru, bulutu, y\u0131ld\u0131z\u0131, \u015fim\u015fe\u011fi, bahar\u0131, ku\u015fu ile, her bir \u015feyi ve her\u015feyiyle g\u00fczel bir d\u00fcnyada ya\u015f\u0131yoruz. Ve ben, hepsiyle de ilgiliyim. K\u00e2inatla say\u0131s\u0131z ba\u011flar\u0131m var. K\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck bir k\u00e2inat gibiyim sanki. B\u00fct\u00fcn k\u00e2inat \u00e2deta bende \u00f6zetlenmi\u015f. Benim varl\u0131\u011f\u0131mda hepsinin de yeri var. Her\u015fey ile, hepsi g\u00fczel olan her bir \u015fey ile b\u00f6ylesine ilgili olan ben, nas\u0131l \u00e7irkin olurum? Yani, ben de g\u00fczelim. “Hepsinden daha g\u00fczel” de\u011fil, “hepsi kadar” g\u00fczelim. <\/p>\n
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Yani, g\u00fczelli\u011fimin \u00f6l\u00e7\u00fcs\u00fc, ba\u015fkalar\u0131 de\u011fil. Ba\u015fkalar\u0131n\u0131n daha g\u00fczel ya da daha az g\u00fczel olmas\u0131 de\u011fil; \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc herkes ve her\u015fey kendi halinde g\u00fczel. Ve ben, b\u00fct\u00fcn o g\u00fczellikleri nas\u0131l kendi aynama yans\u0131t\u0131rsam, nas\u0131l bir k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck k\u00e2inat olabilirsem, o derece g\u00fczel olurum. <\/p>\n
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\u0130\u015fte o zaman gelip ge\u00e7iveren d\u0131\u015f g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fc\u015fler \u00f6nemsizle\u015fiverir birden. Onlar silikle\u015firken, ak\u0131l \u00f6n plana \u00e7\u0131kar, kalb belirir, duygular belirir, ruh beliriverir. Ayna onlard\u0131r \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc. Onlar ne derece “ben”den ar\u0131nm\u0131\u015fsa, ne derece temizse, \u015fu g\u00fczel d\u00fcnyan\u0131n g\u00fczelli\u011fini ne derece kendisine ta\u015f\u0131m\u0131\u015fsa, o kadar g\u00fczelimdir. <\/p>\n
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B\u00f6yle g\u00f6r\u00fcnce olay\u0131, b\u00f6yle g\u00f6r\u00fcp de akl\u0131m\u0131, duygular\u0131m\u0131, kalbimi bu y\u00f6nde kullanmaya ba\u015flay\u0131nca, sanki yep yeni bir d\u00fcnyaya a\u00e7\u0131l\u0131r\u0131m. O ana kadar hep onunla-bununla oyalad\u0131\u011f\u0131m akl\u0131m, kucak kucak sorular ta\u015f\u0131r d\u00fcnyama. Her bir g\u00fczellik g\u00f6zbebe\u011fime yans\u0131y\u0131nca, hemen soruverir: “\u015eu ak\u0131ls\u0131z, bilgisiz varl\u0131k, nas\u0131l b\u00f6yle g\u00fczel olabilir? Nas\u0131l bilir her haliyle bir ba\u015fka g\u00fczellik tablosunu sergileyece\u011fini?” <\/p>\n
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Sonunda, bir ayd\u0131nl\u0131k akl\u0131m\u0131n \u00f6n\u00fcnde beliriverir: “B\u00fct\u00fcn bu g\u00fczellikler, \u00f6yle g\u00fczel yapan bir G\u00fczelin habercisi.” <\/p>\n
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Ve ben de kendi g\u00fczelli\u011fimle, o mevcutlar i\u00e7indeyim. Onlardan biriyim. Hem hepsiyle de ilgiliyim. Hepsini seviyorum. Hepsini istiyorum. Onlars\u0131z bir hayat\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnemiyorum. Demek, o her\u015feyi g\u00fczel yaratan G\u00fczel yaratm\u0131\u015f beni. \u00c7i\u00e7e\u011fin g\u00fczelli\u011fi kendisinden olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131 gibi, \u00e7i\u00e7eksiz bir d\u00fcnya d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnemeyen benim g\u00fczelli\u011fim de kendimden de\u011fil. <\/p>\n
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Kendimin olmayan \u015feyi kendime mal edemem. Benim olmay\u0131p da bana verilmi\u015f \u015feye, “benimdir” diyemem. G\u00fczelli\u011fim bana verilmi\u015f. Her bir insan\u0131n g\u00fczelli\u011fi de kendisine verilmi\u015f. Ku\u015fun, \u00e7i\u00e7e\u011fin, yerin, g\u00f6\u011f\u00fcn g\u00fczelli\u011fi de verilmi\u015f. Bug\u00fcn var olan b\u00fct\u00fcn g\u00fczellikler “verilmi\u015f” oldu\u011fu gibi, d\u00fcnk\u00fc g\u00fczellikler de \u00f6yleydi; yar\u0131nki g\u00fczellikler de \u00f6yle olacak.<\/p>\n
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T\u0131pk\u0131 g\u00fcne\u015f misali… \u015eu d\u00fcnya \u0131rma\u011f\u0131na yans\u0131y\u0131p s\u00f6nen b\u00fct\u00fcn g\u00fczellik kabarc\u0131klar\u0131, o g\u00fczelli\u011fi veren sonsuz bir G\u00fczele i\u015faret ediyor; Onun mutlak G\u00fczel oldu\u011funu bildiriyor.<\/p>\n
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\u0130\u015fte b\u00f6ylesi bir mant\u0131k silsilesi i\u00e7inde, her\u015fey de\u011fi\u015fiverir. T\u00fcm mevcutlar kendi g\u00fczellikleriyle, o g\u00fczelli\u011fin kayna\u011f\u0131 olan Mutlak G\u00fczele i\u015faretler ederler. Yani, hi\u00e7bir \u015fey kendili\u011finden g\u00fczel de\u011fildir asl\u0131nda. Hepsi g\u00fczeldir de, “g\u00fczel yap\u0131lm\u0131\u015f”t\u0131r. <\/p>\n
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\u00d6yle g\u00f6rebilsem d\u00fcnyay\u0131, her\u015feye, her insana ve kendime \u00f6yle bakabilsem, akl\u0131mla, kalbimle, duygular\u0131mla, her\u015feyimle g\u00fczelle\u015fir, g\u00fczel bir insan olarak ya\u015far, \u00f6yle ya\u015flan\u0131r, beni g\u00fczel yaratan o G\u00fczeller G\u00fczeline \u00f6yle kavu\u015furum.<\/p>\n
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Ya \u00f6yle g\u00f6rmezsem? Ya kendimi en g\u00fczel, ba\u015fka birilerini \u00e7irkin; kendimi \u00e7irkin, ba\u015fka birilerini g\u00fczel g\u00f6r\u00fcrsem? O zaman da bu bak\u0131\u015f\u0131n davet etti\u011fi cehennem\u00ee bir ruh hali i\u00e7inde \u015fu g\u00fczel hayat\u0131 zehir etmekle kalmam, her\u015feyi g\u00fczel Yaratan\u0131 kimi \u015feyleri \u00e7irkin yaratmakla su\u00e7laman\u0131n cehennemine girerim. <\/p>\n
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Nas\u0131l istersem…<\/p>\n
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27.12.2003 B\u0130R FERYATLA, bir a\u011flay\u0131\u015fla d\u00fcnyaya geldi\u011fimizi anlat\u0131r\u0131z. Asl\u0131nda bu a\u011flay\u0131\u015f, dokuz ayd\u0131r ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z d\u00fcnyam\u0131zdan ayr\u0131l\u0131\u015f\u0131n verdi\u011fi korkunun dile geli\u015fidir. Sanki hayat\u0131m\u0131za son veriliyormu\u015f endi\u015fesinin ya\u015fan\u0131\u015f\u0131d\u0131r. Ama hemencecik, annemizin \u015fefkatli kollar\u0131 bizi kucaklar. \u0130\u015fte o an korkumuzun yersizli\u011fini anlar\u0131z. \u00c7ok daha g\u00fczel bir hayata ba\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 hissederiz. A\u011flama, yerini huzurlu bir sessizli\u011fe b\u0131rak\u0131r. Bu sessizlikle beraber, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":30,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[],"ppma_author":[188],"class_list":["post-89810","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-yazarlar"],"yoast_head":"\n