08.10.2010<\/p>\n
G\u00dcN BATIYOR…<\/p>\n
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S\u00fckunete bulanan yery\u00fcz\u00fc de, g\u00fcn ile birlikte zevale do\u011fru mu gidiyor ne? Karanl\u0131klar topluca \u00e7\u00f6kerken hepimizin \u00fczerimize, yine de herkes tek ba\u015f\u0131na, kendi i\u00e7inde ya\u015f\u0131yor galiba kendi g\u00fcnbat\u0131m\u0131n\u0131. I\u015f\u0131lt\u0131s\u0131 \u00f6mr\u00fc ilerledik\u00e7e solan g\u00fcne\u015f, zihnimde kopkoyu demlenmi\u015f bir yorgunluk miras\u0131 b\u0131rakarak, kendi k\u0131z\u0131ll\u0131\u011f\u0131yla bile vedala\u015f\u0131yor. Yar\u0131na \u00f6telenerek birikmi\u015f ya\u015fanmas\u0131 ka\u00e7\u0131n\u0131lmaz onca sorun da yorgunlukla per\u00e7inlenmi\u015f gibi. G\u00fcn\u00fcn bat\u0131\u015f\u0131nda, s\u0131rt\u0131mdaki gaflet ve g\u00fcnah y\u00fckleriyle ben de batar gibiyim.<\/p>\n
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Ak\u015fam ilerliyor, \u00f6m\u00fcr defterinde bir yaprak daha dolmak \u00fczere. Her g\u00fcn ayr\u0131 bir imtihan, sanki her nefes ayr\u0131 bir suale kap\u0131 aral\u0131yor. \u00dcz\u00fcnt\u00fclerim, pi\u015fmanl\u0131klar\u0131m ve endi\u015felerim sevin\u00e7lerime s\u00fcrekli tuzak kuruyorlar. D\u00fcnya, besbelli niceleri gibi beni de kendi eksenine alm\u0131\u015f, bir t\u00fcrl\u00fc b\u0131rakm\u0131yor, savurduk\u00e7a savuruyor.<\/p>\n
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Ne yaz\u0131k, g\u00f6r\u00fcnen o ki, \u00e7o\u011fu zaman do\u011fumumla \u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fcm\u00fcn k\u0131skac\u0131na, g\u00fcn do\u011fu\u015fuyla bat\u0131\u015f\u0131 aras\u0131na hapsetmi\u015fim i\u00e7imde ya\u015fayabilece\u011fim ne varsa. Zihnimin ve y\u00fcre\u011fimin derinliklerinden gelen as\u0131l duyulas\u0131 sesler, d\u00fcnya savurduk\u00e7a \u00e7evremde \u00f6r\u00fclmesine g\u00f6z yumdu\u011fum kal\u0131n duvarlar\u0131 yeterince delemeden c\u0131l\u0131zla\u015f\u0131rcas\u0131na kalakalm\u0131\u015flar.<\/p>\n
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Ak\u015fam gecenin karanl\u0131\u011f\u0131na s\u00fcr\u00fckleniyor… <\/p>\n
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Gece ise sanki t\u00fcm gafletiyle yine yutmaya hevesleniyor beni. \u00d6n\u00fcm ve arkamdan savunmas\u0131zca yakla\u015fan ve s\u0131rt\u0131mda t\u00fcm d\u00fcnyamla ba\u015fba\u015fa kalm\u0131\u015f halde h\u00fcz\u00fcn dolu bir yaln\u0131zl\u0131k hissediyorum… D\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnceler hislerimi tetikliyor, hislerim d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncelerimin pe\u015fini b\u0131rakm\u0131yor. <\/p>\n
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G\u00f6zlerim a\u011f\u0131rla\u015f\u0131yor daha \u015fimdiden, \u00f6mr\u00fcm\u00fcn sonuna gelmi\u015f\u00e7esine nefeslerimin yava\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 farkedebiliyorum. \u0130\u015fte \u015fimdi bir film gibi izlemeye ba\u015fl\u0131yorum \u00e7ocuklu\u011fumu, b\u00fcy\u00fcd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fc, ya\u015fland\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131… Hayret, ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m, \u015fahit oldu\u011fum onca teferruat yuvarlan\u0131p gidivermi\u015f farkettirmeden haf\u0131zam\u0131n dipsiz kuyular\u0131na. Ka\u00e7\u0131nc\u0131 nesildenim ben bu \u00e2lemde, ka\u00e7\u0131nc\u0131 ferd, ka\u00e7\u0131nc\u0131 canl\u0131y\u0131m acaba do\u011fdu\u011fu anda \u00f6l\u00fcme namzet olmu\u015f? Ve ka\u00e7\u0131nc\u0131 yolcuyum bu \u00f6n\u00fcme serilmi\u015f ini\u015fli \u00e7\u0131k\u0131\u015fl\u0131 hayat yolunda. Ka\u00e7 ak\u015fam\u0131m oldu burada, ka\u00e7 gece d\u00fcnyan\u0131n karanl\u0131klar\u0131nda saklad\u0131m sand\u0131m nefsimi? Ve neresindeyim kimbilir \u00f6m\u00fcr denen, bana tahsisli, bana \u00f6zel bu vaktin?..<\/p>\n
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Kalabal\u0131klar sanki karanl\u0131klardan evlerine saklan\u0131yor…<\/p>\n
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Oysa sabah da izlemi\u015ftim ben sokaklar\u0131. Erken saatlerde, insanlar \u00f6lm\u00fc\u015f de yeniden diriliyor gibi, ortaya \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015f, besbelli kafalar\u0131 g\u00fcnl\u00fck me\u015fgaleler ile dolu bi\u00e7imde hedeflerine y\u00f6nelmi\u015f, kar\u0131nca misali bir o tarafa bir bu tarafa y\u00fcr\u00fcyorlard\u0131. Hala g\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fcn \u00f6n\u00fcnde, kar\u015f\u0131daki bakkal\u0131n sahibinin, kap\u0131s\u0131nda tek t\u00fck ekmek, gazete almak i\u00e7in gelen ilk velinimetlerini, ellerini o\u011fu\u015fturarak, g\u00fclery\u00fcz ve memnuniyetle s\u00fcz\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fc. Tahsilat ne oldu acaba g\u00fcn sonunda? O ilk ayd\u0131nl\u0131kla ba\u015flayan, herkes i\u00e7in farkl\u0131 farkl\u0131 ve h\u00fcz\u00fcn, dert, keder, sevin\u00e7 gibi t\u00fcrl\u00fc t\u00fcrl\u00fc renklerle yo\u011frulmu\u015f ko\u015fturmacal\u0131 ser\u00fcven ne de \u00e7abuk bitiverdi.<\/p>\n
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Bir an hafif\u00e7e irkiliveriyorum, g\u00f6zlerim aralan\u0131yor. Uzaklardan gelen bir ezan sesi huzur dolu bir esinti gibi penceremden odaya s\u0131z\u0131veriyor. Tam o an, bu \u00e7a\u011fr\u0131yla \u201ckalpleri evirip \u00e7evirenin\u201d kalbime dokundu\u011funu hisseder gibi oluyorum. <\/p>\n
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Son insan\u0131n son g\u00fcn\u00fcne dek, g\u00fcn\u00fc her g\u00fcn \u00f6ld\u00fcren, ertesi g\u00fcn mutlaka diriltecektir diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmeye ba\u015fl\u0131yorum. Ka\u00e7 kere \u015fahidim \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc buna. Mevsimleri, bitkileri, g\u00fcnleri \u00f6ld\u00fcren g\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fcn \u00f6n\u00fcnde \u00f6ld\u00fcr\u00fcyor diriltiyor, \u00f6ld\u00fcr\u00fcyor diriltiyor. Yok etmeye k\u00e2dir olan\u0131n, defalarca da var etme kudreti elbette var. Ba\u015f\u0131bo\u015flu\u011fa mahal yok.<\/p>\n
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Bu kez, g\u00fcn\u00fcn ans\u0131z\u0131n \u00f6lmesiyle ba\u015flay\u0131veren, \u00e7evreme, kendime kasvetli ve gafletli bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131m, tam da zaman\u0131nda beni ve her\u015feyi var edenin huzuruna davet edilmemle, karanl\u0131k \u00f6tesi ufuklara do\u011fru y\u00f6neliyor. \u015e\u00fckrediyorum… Adeta beni, kullu\u011fumun tatl\u0131 a\u011f\u0131rl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 y\u00fcklenip, d\u00fcnyan\u0131n ezici y\u00fck\u00fcn\u00fc s\u0131rt\u0131mdan b\u0131rakmaya zorluyor. \u00d6lm\u00fc\u015fken diriltiliyor gibi, uykudayken uyand\u0131rmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yor gibi, g\u00fcn boyu fark\u0131na varamadan dal\u0131p gitti\u011fim as\u0131l karanl\u0131klar\u0131 farkettiriyor. O, kulluklar\u0131n\u0131 s\u0131rtlananlar\u0131 ya\u015fat\u0131rken yoruyorsa, yorarken de g\u00fc\u00e7 veriyor. O\u2019na s\u0131rt\u0131n\u0131 dayayabilen t\u00fcm d\u00fcnya kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131nda olsa, y\u0131k\u0131lmayacak biliyorum.<\/p>\n
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Hissediyorum… \u015eimdi arkas\u0131ndan okuduklar\u0131mla g\u00fcn\u00fcm\u00fc defnetmi\u015f halde, serin bir abdestle O\u2019nun huzuruna \u00e7\u0131karken \u00e7ok daha huzurluyum.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
08.10.2010 G\u00dcN BATIYOR… S\u00fckunete bulanan yery\u00fcz\u00fc de, g\u00fcn ile birlikte zevale do\u011fru mu gidiyor ne? Karanl\u0131klar topluca \u00e7\u00f6kerken hepimizin \u00fczerimize, yine de herkes tek ba\u015f\u0131na, kendi i\u00e7inde ya\u015f\u0131yor galiba kendi g\u00fcnbat\u0131m\u0131n\u0131. I\u015f\u0131lt\u0131s\u0131 \u00f6mr\u00fc ilerledik\u00e7e solan g\u00fcne\u015f, zihnimde kopkoyu demlenmi\u015f bir yorgunluk miras\u0131 b\u0131rakarak, kendi k\u0131z\u0131ll\u0131\u011f\u0131yla bile vedala\u015f\u0131yor. Yar\u0131na \u00f6telenerek birikmi\u015f ya\u015fanmas\u0131 ka\u00e7\u0131n\u0131lmaz onca sorun da […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":25,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[],"ppma_author":[178],"class_list":["post-89507","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-yazarlar"],"yoast_head":"\n