30.03.2011<\/p>\n
BEN\u0130MK\u0130S\u0130 B\u0130R t\u00fcr hastal\u0131k say\u0131labilir. Psikolog dostlar\u0131m\u0131n hemen m\u00fcdahale etmek isteyecekleri bir maraz… Obsesyon (muydu?)<\/p>\n
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Kelimeleri k\u00fcst\u00fcrmekten korkuyorum ben. Duda\u011f\u0131m\u0131n s\u0131ca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 hak etti\u011fi halde hi\u00e7 duda\u011f\u0131ma de\u011fdirmedi\u011fim sesler i\u00e7in \u00fcz\u00fcl\u00fcyorum. Bir dolmakalemin m\u00fcrekkebine tutunup a\u015fk kokulu bir sayfan\u0131n kuca\u011f\u0131na sessizce kuruluvermeyi umarken, akla gelmeyen, kalbe d\u00fc\u015fmeyen c\u00fcmlelere ac\u0131yorum. Bir \u015fiirin berceste m\u0131sras\u0131 olmaya adayken, \u015fairinin uykusuyla bo\u015flu\u011fa terk edilmi\u015f, nisyan u\u00e7urumlar\u0131na itilmi\u015f bir ifadenin h\u0131\u00e7k\u0131ra h\u0131\u00e7k\u0131ra a\u011flad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 hayal ediyorum.<\/p>\n
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Bir l\u00fcgatin so\u011fuk sayfalar\u0131nda unutulmu\u015f, s\u0131cac\u0131k odalardan kovulmu\u015f, hayattan s\u00fcrg\u00fcn edilmi\u015f kelimeler vard\u0131r mesel\u00e2: “M\u00fch\u00fcr g\u00f6zl\u00fcm!” <\/p>\n
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Haks\u0131zl\u0131\u011fa u\u011fram\u0131\u015flar\u0131 da vard\u0131r belki; en \u00e7ok o hak etti\u011fi halde dillere d\u00fc\u015fmeyi, e\u015fanlaml\u0131 oldu\u011funu iddia eden yoz bir s\u00f6zc\u00fck i\u015fgal etmi\u015ftir a\u011f\u0131zlar\u0131. Bir olas\u0131l\u0131k daha var, \u00f6yle mi? Katledilmi\u015fler de vard\u0131r mesel\u00e2; karn\u0131 de\u015filmi\u015fler, ruhu \u00e7al\u0131nm\u0131\u015flar, uzatmas\u0131 yahut \u015fapkas\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcr\u00fcl\u00fcp k\u00f6t\u00fcr\u00fcm kalm\u0131\u015flar. Ne kadar ya\u011fmur ya\u011farsa ya\u011fs\u0131n, “k\u0131rkikindi”ler dokunmuyor art\u0131k yery\u00fcz\u00fcne. Soka\u011fa at\u0131lm\u0131\u015flar\u0131 da vard\u0131r; kesin. Dim dik dururken omurgas\u0131 k\u0131r\u0131lm\u0131\u015flar, boynu b\u00fck\u00fclm\u00fc\u015fler, y\u00fcz\u00fc k\u0131zart\u0131lm\u0131\u015flar. <\/p>\n
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“Hassas mevzu bunlar!” Muhte\u015fem bir bilgelik ta\u015f\u0131d\u0131\u011f\u0131 halde, ya\u015fl\u0131 diye g\u00f6zden d\u00fc\u015fm\u00fc\u015fler, eski diye bir kenara b\u0131rak\u0131lm\u0131\u015flar da var aralar\u0131nda. \u0130hanete u\u011fram\u0131\u015f olanlar\u0131 da var, nihai tahlilde. Naho\u015f anlamlar i\u00e7in t\u00fcketilenler, k\u00f6t\u00fc bir politikac\u0131n\u0131n a\u011fz\u0131nda kirletilip de bir daha kendini aklayamayanlar\u0131 da \u00e7ok g\u00f6rd\u00fcm “netekim”. Yoldan \u00e7\u0131kar\u0131lm\u0131\u015flar\u0131 da vard\u0131r herhalde, namusuyla otururken c\u00fcmlelerin ortas\u0131nda, sokak a\u011fz\u0131na itilmi\u015f olmal\u0131lar.<\/p>\n
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O dertli l\u00fcgat hangi \u00e7\u0131\u011fl\u0131klara sus i\u015fareti \u00e7ekiyordur acaba? Nas\u0131l da \u00fc\u015f\u00fctmemek i\u00e7in s\u0131k\u0131 s\u0131k\u0131ya kapat\u0131yordur sayfalar\u0131n\u0131! \u015e\u00f6yle bir nazar ediyorum da, i\u00e7im par\u00e7alan\u0131yor: Merdiven altlar\u0131na at\u0131lm\u0131\u015f k\u0131r\u0131k d\u00f6k\u00fck heceler. Tavan aras\u0131nda unutulup kulaklara varmaz olmu\u015f deyimler. Kula\u011fa k\u00fcpe olas\u0131 g\u00fczellikte inciler iken, argo \u00e7\u00f6pl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcne at\u0131lm\u0131\u015f s\u00f6zler. Hep yanl\u0131\u015f yerlere konulup ba\u015f a\u015fa\u011f\u0131 s\u00fcr\u00fcklenmi\u015f kelimeler. Bir zamanlar a\u015fk\u0131n sultanlar\u0131nca ba\u015f tac\u0131 edilmi\u015fken, \u015fimdi dudak b\u00fck\u00fclen asil sat\u0131rlar…<\/p>\n
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Eyvallah, eyvallah da… Y\u00fcre\u011fimi en fazla burkan\u0131 s\u00f6ylemem gerek: Anlam\u0131 \u00e7ok g\u00fczel ve derin oldu\u011fu halde, laf olsun diye ge\u00e7i\u015ftirilen c\u00fcmleler, nabza \u015ferbet harcanan ifadeler. Yalakal\u0131\u011f\u0131n ayaklar\u0131 alt\u0131na paspas edilmi\u015f hitaplar: “Sayg\u0131m\u0131z sonsuz.”<\/p>\n
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Hep dillerde s\u0131ms\u0131cak dola\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131 halde bir t\u00fcrl\u00fc kalbe dokundurulmayan ifadeler: “D\u00fckk\u00e2n senin!” Asil bir hayranl\u0131\u011f\u0131 seslendirmek i\u00e7in e\u011fitildi\u011fi halde, orta yere tahkir diye s\u00fcr\u00fclenler: “Acayip!”<\/p>\n
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Sevday\u0131 ta\u015f\u0131rmak i\u00e7in, a\u015fk\u0131 ta\u015f\u0131mak i\u00e7in \u00e7\u0131rp\u0131nd\u0131klar\u0131 halde, vard\u0131\u011f\u0131 kula\u011f\u0131n zar\u0131na \u00e7arp\u0131p tuz buz olan i\u00e7tenliksiz s\u00f6zc\u00fckler. Haks\u0131zl\u0131\u011fa u\u011fruyorlar. Y\u0131llarca g\u00fcvey olmak \u00fczere haz\u0131rland\u0131klar\u0131 d\u00fc\u011f\u00fcnden y\u00fcz geri ediliyorlar. Sevdikleri ellerinden al\u0131n\u0131yor. Sokulgan \u00e7a\u011fr\u0131\u015f\u0131mlar\u0131 insafs\u0131zca budan\u0131yor. \u015eefkatle uzanan ses parmaklar\u0131 do\u011fran\u0131yor. \u00d6m\u00fcr boyu biriktirdikleri sermayeleri ya\u011fmalan\u0131yor. “Ah!”<\/p>\n
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Dedim ya; benimkisi bir hastal\u0131k belki. Zann\u0131mca \u00e7aresi yok. Ki ben bu \u00e7aresizli\u011fi \u00e7arem bilirim. Bak\u0131n, buraya kadar geldim i\u015fte. Yukar\u0131dan a\u015fa\u011f\u0131ya tekrar okuyaca\u011f\u0131m yazd\u0131klar\u0131m\u0131. Hakk\u0131n\u0131 verebilseydim bu yaz\u0131n\u0131n, pencere \u00f6n\u00fcnde bekleseydim kimi nazl\u0131 kelimelerin, onlar\u0131 da katard\u0131m bu denemeye… Y\u00fczlerini yerden kald\u0131r\u0131r, yeni vakitlerin ba\u015frol\u00fcn\u00fc bah\u015federdim onlara.<\/p>\n
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Kim bilir hi\u00e7 hak etmedi\u011fi halde hangi kelimeyi tekrarlad\u0131m. Kli\u015fe ifadelerin i\u00e7ine soku\u015fturup utand\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131m da olmu\u015ftur kelimeleri. Tembel zihnimin bir t\u00fcrl\u00fc evine kabul etmedi\u011fi kalbi olan kelimeler yerine kalp kelimelere y\u00fcz verdi\u011fim de vakidir. Tan\u0131\u015fm\u0131\u015f olsayd\u0131m \u015fimdiye kadar, nazlar\u0131n\u0131 \u00e7ekseydim az\u0131c\u0131k, \u015fimdi benimle birlikte olurlard\u0131, b\u00fcy\u00fck ihtimal.<\/p>\n
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Bir g\u00fcn ama bir g\u00fcn hesap sormak i\u00e7in yakama yap\u0131\u015facaklar; bu muhakkak. En iyisi, zarif bir denemecinin \u00f6\u011fretti\u011fince k\u00fcst\u00fcrd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm kelimelerin yerine \u00fc\u00e7 nokta b\u0131rakmak. Evime kabul etmedim; bari kap\u0131y\u0131 a\u00e7\u0131k b\u0131rakay\u0131m.<\/p>\n
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30.03.2011 BEN\u0130MK\u0130S\u0130 B\u0130R t\u00fcr hastal\u0131k say\u0131labilir. Psikolog dostlar\u0131m\u0131n hemen m\u00fcdahale etmek isteyecekleri bir maraz… Obsesyon (muydu?) Kelimeleri k\u00fcst\u00fcrmekten korkuyorum ben. Duda\u011f\u0131m\u0131n s\u0131ca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 hak etti\u011fi halde hi\u00e7 duda\u011f\u0131ma de\u011fdirmedi\u011fim sesler i\u00e7in \u00fcz\u00fcl\u00fcyorum. Bir dolmakalemin m\u00fcrekkebine tutunup a\u015fk kokulu bir sayfan\u0131n kuca\u011f\u0131na sessizce kuruluvermeyi umarken, akla gelmeyen, kalbe d\u00fc\u015fmeyen c\u00fcmlelere ac\u0131yorum. Bir \u015fiirin berceste m\u0131sras\u0131 olmaya adayken, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[],"ppma_author":[144],"class_list":["post-87828","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-yazarlar"],"yoast_head":"\n